July 18, 2005

Someone has displeased the poker gods. . .

Filed under: PolenPoker, HA!, PolenBabble, Burns — Twin C @ 3:37 pm

Last night, Twins A and D and I (I as in me, Twin C, not I as in Twin I. There is no Twin I.) were playing at the same poker table. (Twin B had a friend in from out of town and could not attend.) Twins A and D were not faring very well (cold cold cards), and Twin A decides to play the only game he knows he can win, “Screw Your Neighbor”.

The goals of Screw Your Neighbor are: 1. to outlast all of the other players, and 2. to give them crappier cards than yours whenever possible. Each round, each player is given a card. Starting one to the left of the dealer, the player decides if he wants to keep his card (if it’s a high card), or pass it to the next player (if it’s a low card). The second player must trade with the first player, unless he/she has an ace, in which case they can say “Ha ha!” Simpsons style, or “Sorry, sucker!” or “Not this time, holmes.” or just give them the evil grin of someone who has just, you know, screwed their neighbor. (You can also screw the person passing to you, if you have a lower card than then one they are passing you - for example, if you are being passed a five when you’re holding a two - the other player is stuck with a lower card than you, and you don’t need to risk passing.) This process is repeated by each player until it is the dealer’s turn, who then can either keep his card (or whatever card was passed to him/her) or instead, toss it away and choose the top card from the deck. All the cards are shown, and the player/s with the lowest card must take one of the piles of money placed in front of them (usually two stacks of 50 cents, or four stacks of 25) and put it in the middle. The deck is passed one to the left, and the process is repeated again and again. When you lose your stacks, you’re out. The last person alive takes the whole pot.

I am not a huge fan of this game, as it takes about .000001 of your brain power to play, and relies entirely on luck. Therefore, if I am ever lucky enough to make it to the final two people, especially if we have the same number of stacks left, I offer to stop playing and split the pot. Usually the opponent refuses, but every once in a while someone sees my logic. You’ve been lucky enough to make it this far - why tempt fate?

Twin A says “Two piles of 50 cents!” and we lay out our stacks. The game moves quickly, as there are only five of us. Suddenly it is down to just A and me, and we both have both our stacks. I ask, “Do you want to split it?” “No way! This is the only game I can win!” says A with utmost confidence. We play a round, both get sixes, and both have to toss in a stack. “We can still split it up. . .” I say. “NOT A CHANCE!” declares A! I am then dealt an ace, and A tosses a low card and gets. . . a queen! I rake in the pot, A cursing and me laughing and saying “We could have split it. . .”

Cut to a half hour later, when A, still losing, demands another round of Screw Your Neighbor. This time, he ends up against only Twin D, both with one stack. Twin D, either mockingly or seriously, says “Do you want to split the pot?”, and Twin A says “NO NO NO NO! I’m going to win it!”

Twin D is then dealt an ace, and Twin A a queen.

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to choke.

1 Comment »

  1. You fuckers. It was a setup.

    Comment by Twin A — July 18, 2005 @ 3:40 pm

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