July 31, 2005

Back in black.

Filed under: PolenNews — Twin C @ 5:01 pm

Wow.

Allow me to say that I had no idea what I got myself into.

I’m not sure if you’re ever going to be able to see the madness, and I’m not sure that I ever want you to.

I did get to meet some really amazing people and do a lot of different things. My poker game is also about to change radically, and for the better.

I will say that somehow, Twin A got one part of the trip correct. Unfortunately, there were no talking cheese grits or bacon, but at times I certainly could have used the guidance. Use your imagination, but please don’t ask. I ain’t sayin’ a word.

Back to bitching about my job tomorrow. And A, thanks for making me pee my pants about 50 times when I got home today.

July 30, 2005

Part The Final

Filed under: Uncategorized — Twin A @ 12:03 pm

The smoke cleared. When Twin C looked up, he noticed, that everything was kind of, well, squiggly. Objects appeared to be made of tiny, fast-moving lines.

Then he saw a bear!

It was a hairy bear! It was a scary bear! Just then, a turtle popped out from the top of Twin C’s head, and fwibbered its tongue out at the bear. The bear jumped, and beat a hasty retreat to its lair.

Damn, that was a close one, thought Twin C.

Twin C hiked for days in this cartoon universe. From time to time the sky would open up, drenching him (and, presumably, the turtle in the top of his head) with rain, but as soon as the sun would come out, the rain would be magically evaporated.

He sure was hungry, though. Hungry and thirsty. He ran out of beef jerky after the second day, and he would glance into the distance and see mirages of tennis rackets, and once, a gigantic head of Darth Vader, which was growing hair. This kind of freaked him out. He thought back to the Sexy Sexy Seminar, and wondered if he did the right thing, and if it would be so bad to be eating whipped cream and strawberries off of some Eastern European prostitute’s belly right now. Sure, not nutritious, but food is food.

Twin C was downright hallucinating, so when he saw the girl, he didn’t think she was real. “Gabba gabba blubba froggy,” said Twin C. The girl, who had red hair and freckles, smiled, and gave C a piece of beef jerky. Instantly Twin C’s brain sprang back into rightness. “Who are you? Where are we?”, asked Twin C.

The girl said nothing. She just smiled, and got a little taller.

Then Twin C noticed himself shrinking.

Twin C stared in horror as the girl sprang up another 4 feet. Then he gave a gasp of horror as he felt himself shrink to half-size!

This wasn’t what he was looking for when he signed up for that cruise!

The girl became even taller! She was vast, gargantuan, a 12-year old Amazon. He could no longer see her face.

Twin C felt himself become miniscule, ant-like, a rock-sized C among blades of cartooney grass.

The last thing that C saw was a giant black shadow, travelling through space to completely block out the sun, squarely aimed, gathering velocity, the Tallest Of Them All.

THE END.

July 27, 2005

Part 2

Filed under: Uncategorized — Twin A @ 11:59 am

Sexy.

It was going to be the sexiest seminar ever. Six-foot tall pirate babes, swashbuckling heroes waving their… oooh, long, long swords around. Pythons. Lots and lots of em. Parrots flying through the air and wherever they land, you have to kiss. MegaConComCruise Seminar Industries was known throughout the industry for sparing no sexy expense. Twin C knew he had left his PSB at home, and he was sad, but he also knew that if he didn’t ‘take one for the team’, as it were, that he’d never get that promotion that he needed to bring home to put more cheezy grits on the table.

Suddenly, a bowl of cheezy grits materialized over Twin C’s left shoulder. It was a TALKING bowl of cheezy grits! “Twin C, you can’t go to this sexy seminar! You will go home with some boozy floozy and PSB will never forgive your transgression! Then I will be eaten in a fit of romantic despair! If you can’t do it for yourself, or for your sweet, sweet PSB, do it for me, Twin C!”

Twin C had just opened his mouth to respond when suddenly a large piece of bacon appeared over his right shoulder. It too, was a TALKING piece of bacon! “Hit that shit, Twin C! Hit it don’t quit it! And when you’re done, shake your chicken-sack out in her face! She likes it! Do it, Twin C! Do it for THE BACON,” said the bacon.

“No, Twin C! Your virtue!”, said the cheezy grits.

The piece of bacon began to do a Sexy Bacon Dance. “Oh, let’s get it on, baby!”, it sang as it gyrated in only the way that a properly oiled piece of bacon could.

Twin C felt himself being torn asunder. His loyalty to PSB welled up in him, but that bacon smelled…. so…. good…. and he knew that if he didn’t go to MegaConComCruise Industries’ Sexy Sexy Seminar, that he’d definitely lose that promotion he’d been up for for months. And that strange eyes would follow him as he walked through the cubicles in his office, thinking that he was Not The Heteronormative Boy They Thought He Was, Nope, Better Renew That Subscription To Details For Him This Christmas, Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk, Know What I Mean? And that would be horrible, just like 7th grade, only without physical violence.

Suddenly he knew what to do. He grabbed the bacon, and shoved it into the cheezy grits. “Noooo! Our Hegelian nature will cause us to explode!”, they screamed in unison. And BOOM! A massive matter-antimatter style explosion ensued. Twin C felt himself dissolving, his very molecules becoming unbound, floating in the air like individual grit particles without a cheezy matrix to bind them together. But in his mind, he saw PSB smiling at him.

When the smoke cleared, he was somewhere completely different…..

July 25, 2005

The Adventures Of Twin C

Filed under: Uncategorized — Twin A @ 3:28 pm

One of my favorite science-fiction books of all time is George Alec Effinger’s “What Entropy Means To Me”. It’s sort of the Pale Fire of science fiction, an intricate literary puzzle in which Dore has gone on a quest to find Our Father, who has left the family and Our Mother, and Seyt, his younger brother, is chronicling his adventures. Even though he has no idea where Dore has gone.

So, since I have no idea where Twin C has gone, 99 comment spams or not, I will begin to chronicle his adventures. Now. Hopefully some sort of Effinger-like family bifurcation will soon take place, with B and I warring against Twin D, who is striving to protect Twin C’s good name.

Twin C stepped onto the ship. His pants were long and khaki, and his cuffs got slightly wet with the condensation on the deck. A swarthy man in a polo shirt with a coporate logo looked him in the eye. The parrot on his shoulder spread its wings, which were adorned with the same logo. “Welcome to MegaConComCruise Corporate Enterprises,” the pirate drawled. “Skkkraw!”, skkrawed the parrot. “Here, have a free MegaConComCruise pegleg.” The pirate handed the pegleg to Twin C.

Boy, Twin C thought. I am sure glad I dressed business casual.

The parrot led Twin C to his room. “Skkkraw!”, and the parrot had stolen the strawberry candy from under Twin C’s pillow. “You bastard!”, shouted Twin C, and swung his pegleg at the parrot. “Missed me, sucker!”, skkrawed the parrot. He pooped a round ball of parrotfeces, and flew off into the distance.

Twin C settled back into his comfy, strawberry candy-less bed. The seminar tonight was going to be…..

(To C Continued… (I can’t write that much at work, lest I be blog-busted…)

while the C is away the B shal play.

Filed under: Burns — Twin B @ 2:48 pm

I’ve spent most of this day tring to figure out the best way of
spoofing twinC while he is away pokerin it up. Is it either another
I’m at work bitchfest 2005 or tales of what is happening on the
poker cruise.
And I sit and try to write and its all just dumb. Maybe the
only thing funny that I came up with was calling PSB, PBJ.
but that now seems dumb as well, cause PSB rocks.
cheeeesy grits!
so
here I am still with nothing, but its better
than writing about my own life. I could
make the world feel better with a
self depricating rant, but my drepression
kitty* told** me thats not a good idea.

let just hope twin c becomes rich so
we can be like the Baldwins. If it
was not true already.

*the hallucinated kat that follows me
around when I am really really sad.

**depression kitty does not talk.

July 23, 2005

91 Spam Comments

Filed under: PolenBabble — Twin C @ 2:50 pm

Holy crap. Too much talk about a certain pasttime of mine has bitten the Polenblog in the rear.

Good thing there’s a “mark all as spam” link to click on.

Keeeeeeeeee-ripes.

July 21, 2005

what’s mamma gonna do

Filed under: Uncategorized — Twin B @ 2:22 pm

mamma’s gonna take us to the zoo tomorrow
zoo tomorrow zoo tomorrow zoo tomorrow
zoo tomorrow zoo tomorrow zoo tomorrow
zoo tomorrow zoo tomorrow zoo tomorrow
zoo tomorrow zoo tomorrow zoo tomorrow

hadta go to the CP zoo for a job. It reminded me
that zoo type places are fun and not only are animals
tasty but they are cool to look at too.

One of my old favorites, up to new tricks

Filed under: PolenBabble — Twin C @ 2:01 pm

Years ago, when I used to go see They Might Be Giants, they often had a gentleman by the name of Brian Dewan open for them.

Brian played the electric zither, as well as harpsichord and accordion. His songs ranged from fun and wacky to downright disturbing.

I bought both of his albums and even got to say “hi” once at a party in Brooklyn. But I hadn’t heard hide nor hair from him in years (he stopped sending to his e-mail list, which I got on at that party).

Then, since I had mentioned one of his songs to Jefe, I threw his name into Google to see if I could find the song. Instead, I found out that, among other things I never knew about him, he had played with and composed music for Blue Man Group (cool!), and had designed the cover for TMBG’s album Lincoln (very cool!)

And he’s also doing this. Twin A, you may start to salivate now.

Where my posters at, y’all?

Filed under: PolenBabble, Kvetch! Kvetch! Kvetch! — Twin C @ 1:56 pm

I’ve become the worst slacker ever.

There is obvious work I should be doing, and I ignore it all, to go hit the dozen or so websites I read and reread over and over again. I’m completing the bare minimum of what should be done. Fortunately I’ve mastered the art of looking really busy when in reality I’m anything but.

For some reason I haven’t been feeling like posting - I’ve complained so much about the home improvement crap I’ve been doing, which is a drop in the bucket to what RJT has been slowly accomplishing over at Procrastinet, and I’m a little embarrassed at my latest idiocy. We have a ceramic towel bar holder, and one of the two pieces holding up the towel bar fell off, and somehow did not break. I discussed with Jon L. how to fix it, went ahead and bought the needed supplies (a smaller scraper and some tile cement), and three nights ago got to work. The first step, I deduced, was to clean off the old cement. However, some of the cement was on the inside of the bar holder, and in my zealousness to remove all old cement, it somehow seemed logical to chip away at the cement inside using a screwdriver as a chisel. Needless to say, despite the fact that I really got almost all of the old cement out, I pressed my luck and of course, I broke it. Into five pieces - two huge ones, two smaller ones, and one chip sized piece that promptly disappeared. I screamed “FUCK!!!” about fifty times.

After determining that there was no way in hell I was going to find a replacement piece (both internet searches and hardware store discussions were fruitless - it’s powder blue, and from the 70s, if not earlier), I bought some “better than Crazy Glue” glue, and glue the remaining pieces back together. The cracks show, but it held.

The next night I got the piece, and the cement, and put it back up on the wall. Fortunately, I remembered that the towel bar needed to go inside of it before I sealed it. It looked like it wasn’t going anywhere, but I held it in place with some duct tape anyway.

This morning I removed the duct tape. When you strategically hang a towel over the bar, it doesn’t look that bad. I’d love it if I could somehow touch up the cracks with some sort of powder blue ceramic paint. Do they make such a thing?

I also installed a new shower head, as I thought the old one was clogged and sort of ugly. In the process, I learned all about threading tape (you can’t use enough! It was totally leaking at the top on the first install - I took it off again and put a lot more tape on it - much better!), and also how to spend way too much on an adjustable wrench. It’s really bad-ass though, at least, all black and mean looking, with a comfortable handle. And of course, I fucked up the metal on the top part, being unable to make it tight enough without scraping the metal. More touch up paint, please.

We’re having people over tomorrow night, and we’ve been working like dogs to make the apartment look good. Both PSB and I are tiiiiiiiiiiired. At least it will all be done, and it’s impressive that we got it finished within three weeks of me moving in.

But my point is, if I’m not posting much, and I certainly won’t be posting for over a week starting Sunday, youse other Polenbergs, start filling in! Get that kvetching going!

Sincerely,
The Cranky SlothTM

July 20, 2005

Juggling Robot!

Filed under: PolenBabble — Twin C @ 11:26 am

And it’s not even from the past ten years!

This is really impressive. Download the second link (it’s a QuickTime movie), and wait for the last minute or so (the initial toys are pretty cool as well).

A link via an old Boing Boing link via a newer one.

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